You are not clingy, or needy, or silly for having needs for affection and affirmation and attention within a romantic relationship. Those needs aren’t an embarrassing outgrowth of your low-self esteem or depression or whatever messy emotional issues you may have going on, that’s just basic shit that people need from each other. We of course should not make our partners responsible for meeting all of our emotional needs – it’s not someone’s else’s job to make you happy. But inside a healthy relationship, being able to show affection, pay attention, and demonstrate “you are amazing and important to me” is a pleasure, not some task or burden.
Sometimes you just need to cry and be sad. You need to break down and be torn apart. You need to learn to pick yourself up and put yourself back together. Sometimes, the only way to be happy is to give into sadness first, because without sadness, there is no happiness; you would never learn to smile.
I’m still depressed, but how depressed I am varies, which is good. Much of the time, it’s a comfortable numbness that just makes things feel muted. Other times, I’m standing in the shower or something and I can feel the nothingness hurtling toward me at eight thousand miles per hour and there’s nothing I can really do aside from let it happen and wait until it goes away again.
Your heart’s broken but your whole body hurts. Then you get into bed at night, thankful to be back in a safe haven under the covers where you can cry alone and not be judged for being so weak to another human being, when all of our lives we are taught to be independent. And after a silent moment in the dark, you swear that your heart is completely crushed and it just can’t hurt anymore, so you fall asleep praying to God that you don’t dream of them for another night in a row. Then you wake up the next morning with, somehow, a whole heart again but like clockwork, the cycle starts over and the pieces begin to fall.
Sometimes we get sad about things and we don’t like to tell other people that we are sad about them. We like to keep it a secret. Or sometimes, we are sad but we really don’t know why we are sad, so we say we aren’t sad but we really are.